My Legal Fiction

More Waiting. More Whining.

2011-10-13T12:48:00.002-04:00

Bar results are going to be released and all of us, who took that fucking exam, are going to have to confront the reality of outcome. While I have no advice on how to cope in a constructive and mature manner, I do have several thoughts on how to preserve the small amount of perspective that you may have.

1. Read lots of depressing world news. Failing the bar exam seems rather insignificant in the context of regional civil unrest, global warming, genocide, rampant corruption, financial disaster, and widening inequality.

2. Use this time to indulge in all the vices that you swore off post bar prep. Binge drinking has only killed a few undergraduates, just be sure to keep a few friends on speed dial so that you don't end up driving around.

3. Think about all the more significant fuck ups you have made in the past and note that you are still doing pretty okay. (If you have not seriously screwed up before, first congratulations and second think about all the things you could have fucked up.)

4. Accept the sympathy of those who are offering it. Rarely in adult life is there opportunity to be really dramatic without a person dying.

Waiting

2011-09-06T15:13:00.002-04:00

I like waiting for bar results. This gives me plenty of time to reflect on various decisions I have made in my life (which I can't do anything about now). I also have lots of time to pre-second guess the decisions I am going to make in the future (which I also can't do anything about now).

This is lots of fun, just like waiting for Godot or a medical diagnosis.

Links for your viewing distraction

2011-08-29T22:36:00.004-04:00

On the links listed below: They are all interesting, novel (at least to me), and most importantly, I totally agree with their opinions.

Poverty, a more meaningful measure.

Same sex marriage, either Paul Clement is stupid or there just aren't any good reasons for sticking with DOMA.

Income inequality, let's not fight it, let's just do as the libertarians and just shame anyone who talks about it. Shaming has always worked to change society. Oh wait - libertarians encourage inequality.

Interventionism, the morality of a liberal hawk or how Libya is different from Iraq.

Happiness, even econ. profs. care about it, you should too.

Thank you Bitter Lawyer

2011-08-26T17:53:00.000-04:00

for featuring this blog on this post.

Economies of the world -

2011-08-08T10:27:00.000-04:00

Good luck today.

News Alert: Asians in America Don't Exist.

2011-08-07T11:02:00.002-04:00

And they especially don't exist if they don't have a 'tiger mom' and don't excel at math, the violin, and karate. In fact the erroneous label 'asian' is merely a self assigned racist term that people from that far away land mass (coincidentally called Asia) call themselves to make real Americans feel inferior. It is a fact that those so called 'asians' are white. It is important to note that putative 'asians' are not American, in that they deserve recognition of American citizenry, rather the 'asian' unicorn is racially indistinct from white. Of course, it goes without saying that Euro-Americans are never white. To call a person, who is 2% Native American, 4% Irish, 30% Belgian, 20% English, 16% French and 28% Hungarian, 'white' is an immeasurable insult to their unique heritage.

Disclosure: Just in case it matters to anyone, I used to think that it was okay to check the asian/pacific islander box, but now I don't check any box, because my racial classification of white is never an option. I guess people like me just don't deserve to exist.

Lawyer vs. Life Long Student

2011-08-04T13:30:00.002-04:00

On the last day of law school school classes, my good friend turned to me and confessed that she used her Westlaw points to get a book titled "Running From the Law". While I wouldn't use graduate school to run from the law, I would use it to run from adult life.

How studying is better than lawyering:

1) Student poor is not that bad. While generally true that America shuns and humiliates its poor people, it has also carved out an exception for those who are 'student poor'. Even beyond that, a poor graduate student is considered somewhat noble by the middle class.
2) Casual clothing is both expected and more comfortable. Most professors dress like utter shit, so there is no shame in showing up to class (or even office hours) wearing whatever your richer roommate has left around on her floor.
3) No one notices or cares if you are having a nervous breakdown. Not like work associates or bosses are interested promoting your eudamonia, they do care about liability as a collateral matter to your mental state. At school as long as your tuition is paid no one is going to interrupt your next existential crisis.
4) A new semester is new opportunity for redemption. If you screw up in school, just wait 3 months and you get a chance to restore your reputation and academic record with a new set of professors and a new set of classmates.

How studying is the same as lawyering:

1) The deadline creep. No matter what, the calendar is against you.
2) The over-inflated importance of attendance. Woody Allen said that 80% of success is just showing up. True, but it can still feel like a waste of time.
3) A frustratingly artificial heirarchy. Most work bosses prefer and reward deference and so do professors, deans and administrators.
4) Pressure to conform. While it is no secret that the law demands homogeny of manner and punishes creativity, university departments indoctrinate students with a sense of 'loyalty' and retaliate against inner departmental criticism.
5) High probability of developing an inferiority complex. No one reads everything in their field. No one has perfect analysis. No one can run a protracted sleep deficiet and still be a decent human being for more than 12 hours. But, both life styles are unforgiving of failure. Thus we learn to fake knowledge, skill, insight, wisdom and personality. And voila! A fraud is born.

How studying is worse than lawyering:

1) Money. Students don't have any. Sometimes lawyers don't either, but at least lawyers have a reasonable hope to get some in the near future.
2) Isolation. A lot of school learning requires drilling facts and reading the work of smarter people. Unlike other adult versions of 'me-time', student alone time almost never involves bubble baths or wine.
3) Mysterious measures of worth. The working world's measures of success may be shallow, but they are objective. Stuff like winning motions/cases, gross receipts and salary can go a long way in bolstering a false sense of self worth. On the other hand, students are evaluated in a this nebulous cloud of pleasing some guy in a bow tie.

While I do love money, I've always fancied myself as extremely noble. This one requires much more thought and a visit to my local university.

"This is a test . . .

2011-07-24T11:10:00.000-04:00

of the emergency broadcasting system. If this were a real emergency the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instruction. This concludes the test of emergency broadcasting system."

I am struggling to suppress the panic.

The Producers Solution.

2011-07-21T23:06:00.001-04:00

Max Bialystock is not a very good actor, lover or friend; in fact he fails as a human being all together. But these limitations do not prevent Mr. Bialystock from pursuing what his heart most desires - money. As we all know, he discovers that a flop holds greater pecuniary reward than a success. The lesson? If you feel like a loser, then make losing more attractive than winning. For example, failing the bar feels like losing. In order to cope with this very real prospect I have staked exciting and dramatic life changes on failing. Like moving far away and buying children. In other words, I welcome Hitler's Springtime.

Things I do on the internet instead of studying for the Bar.

2011-07-19T02:12:00.000-04:00

1. Watch Curb Your Enthusiasm Compilations. I have concluded that society imposes arbitrary and inefficient rules, against which we all should rebel.

2. Look at sperm donors. Just one thought, if these donors were on eharmony, online dating would have a much better reputation.

3. Check out the Best of Craigslist. Craig's list is not just for random sex and shady 'investment' opportunities, it is also an outlet for true rage and disgust.

4. Shop for shit I don't even want. I now have a brand new vegetable peeler. Not the boring type, the type that shreds vegetables to be exactly 1/2 centimeter thick and 1 centimeter wide.

5. Compulsively create online budgets for the next 5 years. As if, I have no money.

6. Do Google searches on people I don't even talk to any more. Just in case anyone is wondering, my high school crush from a million years ago committed suicide 4 years ago (btw, he was first year law - no joke). I guess we are definitely not going to date.

7. Look for new blogs to read. Juan Cole is my new internet flame.

8. Start posts and then immediately delete them. (I need my own Bania - "That is Gold, Bekah. Gold!")

So yeah, when I fail the bar, this is why.

There is only a one letter difference between 'bar' and 'barf'

2011-06-25T12:08:00.000-04:00

Get the picture kids?

Regrets and Adieu

2011-06-08T10:37:00.000-04:00

I officially exited this particular academic and social hell. It was so anti-climatic. During the final siege, people acted like graduating would be like the last scene in Grease; but there was no carnival, no flying car and no transformations. There were just silly hats, empty optimism and looming questions. Anyways - here are my final thoughts on how to make your law school experience better.

1. Rack up your Westlaw and Lexis points and get yourself an awesome consolation prize at the end of it all. Besides you might learn something interesting.

2. Take all the free stuff you can get (pens, cups, hats, highlighters). Don't be shy, just walk right up and take a handful.

3. Read less, study barbri outlines more. Really, the classroom confusion is unnecessary, just buy old barbri books and study from them.

4. Don't make an ass of yourself on facebook. That means no name calling and no grade posting.

5. Make friends with your financial aid person - they know important stuff about how to handle your debt.

6. Take classes you are interested in. Fuck 'bar' classes; they are worthless and boring.

7. Get a pet. Your professors and grades might say you are stupid, but your dog never will.

I wish all law students good luck in the resistance against mindless conformity and paying off their loans.

This is not the last post.

2011-05-07T23:58:00.001-04:00

I think I finished law school last week. Honestly, that sentence is in the top 5 most complex sentences I have ever written.

We move onwards and upwards my butterflies.

Should you go to law school?

2011-04-30T21:57:00.004-04:00

Law school might be a mistake, but it is your mistake to make. If you are a 0L, read the articles below. Current law students don't need to read about it - we are living it. (The NYT article is unnecessarily long - but if you are serious about law school, you should get used to verbosity and redundancy.)

1. New York Times on the loss of merit scholarships.

2. New Republic article on post graduation employment rates.

Reading the New York Times for Free

2011-04-10T18:15:00.000-04:00

While the Times provides interesting distraction from the rigors of boredom, I am not cool with the $15.00 subscription rate for unlimited access. So, unless you have higher moral standards than I do, continue to get it free by using the methods mentioned below. Thanks to FreeNYT (twitter account).

1. Browse using Chrome's incognito function.

2. Delete all the characters in the url starting with the question mark .

3. Clear the cache and restart your browser.

Another email from School

2011-03-21T12:10:00.001-04:00

I received the email below from my 'career office' this morning . Basically, the administrators at my school wants me and my family to assist them in achieving their goals - without monetary compensation. Yet over the course of almost three years I have paid them nearly $75,000.00 and the only responses I get for assistance is "you are smart, go figure it out for yourself".

Regarding the quote at the bottom of the email ("Actually, the world does need another lawyer"): While the world may need more lawyers, the world does not necessarily need to pay more lawyers.

Good morning!

I hope you enjoyed your break and the warm weather! The Admissions Office is hosting our Admitted Student Open House this Some Day, Some Date from 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. We are seeking a student-parent combo to serve on the Significant Other/Parent panel. Panelists will talk to the parents and/or significant others of our admitted students and answer questions and provide tips/advice on helping support their law student. If you and your mom and/or dad (figure) would be interested in participating, please contact Fake Name at: x@xxx.xxx. You are welcome to join us for lunch from 12:15-1:15 and the panel will run from 1:15 to 2:00 p.m.

Thanks and have a great day!

Another Fake Name

“Actually, the world does need another lawyer.”

The Summer Job

2011-03-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

Now is the time when first year law students around the country start their search for their first summer internship. Some students gain employment through their impressive resumes and some through personal connections. However if you lack both, never fear dear reader you too can get an internship. Below are a few of my most earnest tips for getting an opportunity to wear dress-up clothes while not getting paid.

1. Look for and solicit internships and jobs outside of your school's job board. The logic is simple: offering free (yet quality) services with out competition means that you are the best candidate. Case in point, my good friend Malapropist got his first legal job from a flier that was only posted at city hall (and he got paid!).

2. Judicial Internships: Most states are near financial ruin and are happy to get free help. Look in the bar journal (which is basically a phone book for lawyers) and write a personalized cover letter to each judge; make sure to follow up with the judge's clerk or assistant.

3. Craig's List has more than just cars and shady real-estate for sale, it also has legal jobs.

Good luck to everyone and don't let rejection get you down! Most of these jobs suck anyways.

The Law is a Jealous Mistress?

2011-02-12T13:22:00.001-05:00

More like the law is the baby momma (or daddy) of your bastard law degree. You got involved before you really knew anything about it, and now you are stuck and possibly a guest on Jerry Springer.

I really hate this phrase

2011-02-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

"I am socially liberal, but fiscally conservative" - In other words, the speaker only wants to pay for his or her own abortion, drugs and prostitutes.

I just don't want to be a lawyer.

2011-02-03T00:02:00.000-05:00

This is hard to admit - not because I regret participating in 2.5 years of law school or voluntarily incurring thousands of dollars of debt (for the record, I am fairly certain that without law school I would have become a drug addicted housewife). Really, the concession reveals a personal weakness, an incurable state of ennui, a crevice in the statue of character . . . Too bad I'm 3 months away from graduation. I guess the revelation arrived too late.

The Law School Pet

2010-12-02T14:13:00.000-05:00

The more a person loves animals, the more they passive-aggressively hate people. This accounts for the open contempt society has for those who fawn over their pets. Therefore, outfitting Fluffy in a Christmas sweater is tantamount to punching your neighbor in the genitals. Not surprisingly, as a last ditch effort at hydrating their shriveling souls, law students and lawyers are devoted to their pets. Therefore, unless a lawyer has an allergy to pet dander, lawyers without pets are suspect and probably should be avoided. But then again, lawyers with pets should probably be avoided too.

The last day

2010-11-29T11:44:00.001-05:00

of classes are the most useless classes ever.

The Most Original Sin

2010-10-29T10:52:00.002-04:00

Wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony - these are the 7 famous sins. Notoriously pervasive and feared for their cancer like quality, they metastasize into other sins and eventually kill the soul of its host. Whether venial or mortal, Catholics and Oprah audiences alike recognize these sins to operate as the fulcrum of human misery and suffering; without souls, we are merely vessels for the twin devils of hedonism and hopelessness. Without disturbing Catholic doctrine and without promulgating a treatise on the soul (I leave that to our friend Aristotle) I submit to you, dear reader, that law school matriculation is the most original sin; from that single action, the 7 deadly sins awaken, flourish and attack. Below is my evidence.

1. Wrath: Law students call this 'passion'. By either name, law students are always shouting or complaining about something. While a few are sincerely angered at the condition of politics, the environment, trade etc etc . . . most are simply sublimating their dissappointment in the legal profession.

2. Greed: Justified by loan repayment, law students are obsessed with salary - despite the fact that they have been living on a fixed income for at least 3 years.

3. Sloth: Students are magicians in the delusion of productivity, but it is all smoke and laptop screens.

4. Pride: This sin is complicated. Within the law school setting, the student's body of self worth has been disembowled less fashionably than a samuri. However, in the outside world the student can exploit media images of the important, affluent and prestigous lawyer to his or her own advantage - for whatever that is worth.

5. Lust: My only evidence for this sin is the law school halloween party. Sexy law professor? Gross!

6. Envy: Does this really need explanation? Jealousy is practically a competition. Whether it is over grades, internships, clinic placements, law review, moot court competitions or even study rooms, law students are slaves to the green-eyed monster.

7. Gluttony: Law school ruins good health due to a combination of (1) a persistently false sense of urgency and (2) existential crisis. In short, obestity is what happens when a happy meal means eating food out of a paper bag.

The most important deadline of all

2010-10-09T18:11:00.000-04:00

I wanted to drop a class because I hate it. Because I hate it, I avoid working on it. Because I don't work on it, I keep missing deadlines. Thus I was going to drop it. Now I have missed the deadline for dropping. Fuck.

Predictions

2010-09-30T20:55:00.000-04:00

Prediction #1: I am going to drop out of school - tomorrow. Therefore, there will be no more blogging about law school. Instead I will blog about massive debt and no way to pay.

Prediction #2: I will reconsider and remain in school.

Prediction #3: I will repeat predictions 1 - 3 for the next 3 months.

Prediction #4: Right before graduation I will desperately cling to law school and deny that I have to start working.

Prediction #5: Everything is going to be alright.

2 Random and Life Changing Updates

2010-09-16T20:03:00.001-04:00

Only when my soul darkens with the shadow of angst and despair can I summon the words to write. Thus, the 2 items below explain my writer's block.

1. I don't drink my coffee black any more. After decades of gulping it down black, I have learned to enjoy the sweetened sips of toffee colored caffienation. I feel like this should be a metaphor for something.

2. I don't work Saturdays any more. I sort of panicked at first, but after 3 consecutive Saturdays off, I like it! May the entire working world take Saturdays off and Sunday too.

Love me, love my debt?

2010-09-04T12:51:00.001-04:00

Law school not only increases your chances of drug addiction, depression and suicide, but also decreases your chances at love. According to this New York Times article, debt is divorced from love and comfort. While I am firmly committed to being single, poor and lonely for the rest of my days, it's still depressing to treat marriage as a business transaction. Perhaps I am naive and grossly absent from the realities of a relationship, but a few hundred thousand dollars of debt seems less troublesome than whiskers in the sink.

Nihilism and the 3L

2010-08-30T00:46:00.000-04:00

"The [3L] mind is in complete disarray. Knowledge has stretched itself to the point where neither the world nor our intelligence can find any foot-hold. It is a fact that we are suffering from nihilism."

~ Albert Camus

Albert, I feel your angst.

Woody Allen Jokes as Applied to Law School

2010-08-19T23:19:00.002-04:00

Law school really sucks if you can't keep your sense of humor and your health.

1. The two old ladies coming out of a restaurant joke: Two 3L's walk out of their last final. One 3L comments that the education was over priced, pointless and degrading, to which the other 3L agrees completely and complains "and the education was so brief"

2. The Groucho Marx Joke: I don't want to belong to any profession that accepts me as a member.

3. The my brother is a chicken joke: A 3L approaches an incoming 1L and says, "Hey law school is a scam and waste of time". The 1L asks "Why don't you cut your losses and drop out?". The 3L says "I would but I need the degree for prestige".

4. Woody Allen on Death: "I am not afraid of graduation, I just don't want to be there when it happens"

5. Woody Allen on Life: "Law school is evenly divided between the horrible and miserable."

6. Woody Allen on Life - again: "Law School is full of misery, loneliness and suffering - and it is all over much too soon."

Perhaps too poetic

2010-08-14T17:36:00.000-04:00

I am a mentor. Not by accomplishing goals and having experiences that were distilled into wisdom, but rather I am a mentor by assignment. My school assigns volunteer 3L's with incoming 1L's in order to prepare/indoctrinate them into law school life. While readers of any regularity might scoff at my own participation in this program, for those who know me well enough, know that I love to pontificate and feel quite at ease with the role of the 'elder'.

This week I met with my mentoree (?) and let's just say that the only benefit he could have gotten out of the meeting was just knowing that a woman, as scattered and frantic as I, made it to third year, thus he too shall make it to third year. It really was a case of the pupil becomes the teacher, except beyond introductions I never got to be the teacher.

Coping mechanisms in law school

2010-07-23T23:53:00.000-04:00

Law school is more stressful than you can anticipate. This is not because law school is all that rigorous, but rather, law school challenges your own sense of self history. The history of competency, acheivment and intellect. For most law students, prior good grades were cake, encouragement flowed like water and the good life was just there for the taking; from pre-school through under graduate, most law students were in their own gilded self esteem era - spending their unearned self-esteem dollars on things like pride and self worth. Then they went to law school and just like the bursting of the tech bubble, came the crash, followed by a recession, which ultimately was declared a depression. But not to worry - just like poor economic times, law school too shall pass and it will all be over much too quickly. However, in the mean time below are just a few coping strategies to help ease the pain - a sort of mental anesthetic.

1. Drugs and Alcohol: I would not have survived first semester law without both. Of course drinking and drugging doesn't solve anything, but it does make that crushing feeling of failure a little less intense. Drugs and alcohol are perfectly acceptable as short term solutions.

2. Therapy: Talk out the angst. Sometimes the only way to vanquish those vampires of inadequecies is to expose them to the light of expression. Your fears sound much more scarier in your head than when you actually state them out loud to an audience.

3. Focus and Distract: I once heard a yoga instructor tell his complaining pupils that in order to cope with the discomfort of contorting your body into bizarre and unnatural positions, that they should focus on the pain and not the outcome. Same thing, focus on the minutiae of the assignments and you might forget that you are slowly losing your soul.

4. Fake it: Most people lie to themselves everyday, this is just a ramped up version. In order for this to work, you really have to embrace the role (think Daniel Day-Lewis and method acting). For example, if you want people to think you are confident, speak loudly and frequently. If you want people to think you are intelligent, speak rarely and vaguely. However if you actually want to be happy in law school, you should spend the majority of your time pretending to not be a law student.

Law School and Medical School - a brief comparison.

2010-07-20T00:51:00.001-04:00

Not only is law school vastly shorter and easier than med. school, but we also get to experiment on poor people instead of dead people. Although, there is something appealing about a client who can't talk (or rather, complain) at least my subject has the ability to give me a high-five when there is a favorable outcome.

Exams Excuses

2010-07-13T13:28:00.001-04:00

I like to use moments of exam desperation and despair to justify my entire lack of concern for health or decorum. Having an exam means I get to neurotically chain smoke, sleep under my desk (I keep thinking that the information will just fall into my brain), aimlessly wander the internet, watch all 9 seasons of Seinfeld and eat only blueberries for 48 hours. I wonder what new and exciting things are waiting for me during bar prep?

Justifying Law School ...

2010-07-12T18:14:00.002-04:00

I remember my summer before law school. When I wasn't basking in my own sense of self worth, I had moments of high anxiety about my pending nuptial to law school. I wondered about my ability to get through law school, I worried about the Socratic method, the cost, my classmates, and I seriously questioned my own matriculation motives. The worst part of waiting for law school is the constant stream of warnings. Suddenly as a would be law student, I would be forced to give audience to other attorney's war stories. I remember one former attorney told me about how the law almost killed him, others regaled me with tales of defaulted debt and poverty. It was as if I was enlisting in the marines during war time - sure I do feel as if I am being bored to death, but no one is shooting at me. I guess the only advice I can offer in these insecure times is to do as Henry Ford II said to do: "Don't complain and don't explain". As you will learn in Trial Advocacy, sometimes silence is the best defense.

Democrats and Republicans in Law School

2010-07-08T11:31:00.003-04:00

Law students are often decidedly apolitical. This might be due to living in black hole, in which everything gets sucked into this law school vortex, but nothing comes out; no ideas, no discussion, no identity, no growth. Thus, it is often difficult to determine the political leanings of those who are sitting rigidly beside us. While, it might be irrelevant, I like to know if the bringer of the apocalypse is near. You might be curious too --- below are a few distinguishing characteristics:

1. Democrats are more likely to share their class materials. They will send you outlines, class notes, and keep you updated on class events. This is probably because democrats are really socialists in disguise.

2. Democrats are more willing to donate cigarettes and money to the homeless, because of course democrats are loosey-goosey on fiscal policy. To a democrat money is just paper.

3. Democrats don't get all freaked out by inconsistent supreme court opinions; they understand that SCOTUS is (a) often wrong (b) a political instrument and (c) goal orientated.

4. Republicans often have their T- shirts tucked in. I don't know why this is republican trait, but it often is.

5. Democrats never have to ask "what do you mean by they/them". It is intuitively known that the indefinite pronoun usually refers to "the man" (and more specifically he is a white man, at least 5 foot 10 inches, who rarely smiles).

My IL Orientation

2010-07-07T14:25:00.001-04:00

My school just sent out a request for orientation volunteers. If I gave the 1L tour it would go something like this:

"... and here, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, is the library. This is where you will find hours of solitude, alone in your study of the law while the rest of your friends are having adventures and forming human relationships, but don't worry I am sure knowing the intricacies of the UCC will be just a fulfilling. Next! Here is the cafeteria, where you might spend a moment or two sipping a latte and gossip viciously about your classmates and professors. Oh and look - now we find the Dean of Student's office. They are the 'counselors' of the law school. If you find yourself overwhelmed and wanting to drop out, they are always good for a pat on the head and a knife in the back. And ahhh yes - here are our classrooms. This is where you will spend the majority of your time. How thrilled you must feel. In a few short weeks you will learn to enjoy the feeling of humiliation and constant judgment, but you will learn more about that later during the meet and greet. Finally, here are the bathrooms. The most important place in all of law school. The private stall will become your friend in times of emotional meltdown. Just remember, during an exam a cold porcelain bowl and tiled floor is your only comfort during dry heaves - so please keep them tidy. Budding law students, that concludes todays tour. I hope you found it helpful, but if not, oh well - this is law school you need figure it out on your own. Good day"

Rejection Madness and Congratulations

2010-07-05T10:00:00.001-04:00

This morning I was politely rejected from Law Review. I never applied to Law Review. Furthermore, at least 6 weeks ago I rejected law review under the discovery that I don't like working for free and I am far too lazy for such drudgery. So now feel like I am being dumped by an arrogant guy I never even dated. But hey - you know what Law Review! You don't reject me, I reject you (insert appropriate gesture).

Also, in my severe crisis of apathy, I forgot to congratulate all the graduates and those who made it through their first year of law! Congratulations - you lucky dogs you!!!

Lawyer vs. Social Worker

2010-05-23T13:19:00.001-04:00

Law school exams are over, but based upon my grades I am still considering other career options.

Why Social Working is better than lawyering:
1) Social workers seem nicer than lawyers, but then again, most people are nicer than lawyers.
2) Social workers seem to wear clothing that is flowing and colorful. Lawyers wear ill fitting suits in boring and ugly colors.
3) A social workers office, while seemingly chaotic and unorganized, invites you in with inspirational messages on the walls and sometime scented candles. Lawyers offices are often messy and aesthetically barren.

How Social Working is the same as lawyering:
1) Clients are difficult. Whether you are defending their possession charge or getting them into rehab, clients lie, don't pay their bill, and will call you with a regularity usually reserved for stalkers.
2) Bosses are difficult in every place and every profession.
3) Professional school is still a waste of time. In law school, classes don't prepare you for practice, I imagine social work school is the same.
4) Non-work related people will still seek and sometimes expect free help. In social settings, lawyers get asked 'legal' questions all the time; I bet friends of a social worker expect them to consistently listen to their problems.

Why Social Working is worse than lawyer:
1) Social workers can't dismiss a person's plea for assistance with the tart, yet effective "I'm not your social worker" response.
2) While, lawyers often have a pathological need to be right and are attracted to conflict, social workers have a perverse compulsion to listen to other peoples complaints.

While, I certainly am convinced that I am right most of the time, I do love scented candles. This one is a tie.

PR - leaves me cold.

2010-05-03T17:24:00.002-04:00

Some consider a girl easy, if a guy can get her into bed with a moderately priced meal and few empty promises (or beer bottles), but if a guy is unemployed and honest, this certainly is not easy. By the same token, some people think that Professional Responsibility is easy. Sure, PR is easy for some people - people who possess a wealth of commitment to justice and the betterment of society, but for intuitively bankrupt people like myself, all I see are bunch of rules to get around. So I don't really know how to answer "When do you tell the court that your client just lied under oath?" ... never? Obviously for me, PR is not a sure bet. I should just blow out the candles, turn-off the Manilow and order some take-out. I'm not getting lucky tonight.

Reminiscing... and rewriting history

2010-04-30T12:51:00.001-04:00

Maybe because as humans our memories of complex events are at best unreliable (and at worst down right fiction), first year law doesn't seem so bad. I socialized with people I liked, learned something new everyday and basked in the glory that is known as the ivory tower. After my last final, I smuggled in some cheap red wine in a Nantucket Grape Juice bottle and my fellow section mates and I raised our plastic glasses to a job well done and declared the war with first year law over. Under those flowered spring time trees, seated upon the cool cement benches, we didn't know that first year law was just one battle in the war of My Legal Profession. Now, I just want to know what winning means.

The health nazi's win again

2010-04-29T11:55:00.001-04:00

I have been on the nicotine patch since I started law school. I am ending my second year. So even though I don't smoke anymore, I am definitely a nicotine addict. Like most addicts, most of the time I don't care how I get my nicotine, I just know that I want it. However, there are two times a year when I want my nicotine in the form of a Camel Light Cigarette with a Newcastle beer and fries. Only 2 times a year when I can really enjoy with Dionysian abandon a belly full of grease and alcohol and blood full of nicotine and various other chemicals. You guessed it boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen - right after my last final of the semester. But now, my state legislation is going to end it all. Starting May 1, 2010 smoking in bars is prohibited. Sure, there are many interesting arguments in support of this smoking ban, something about promoting health, but what about my mental health? What about my needs? Besides when did smoking become a crime? At the very least the law should make a you-just-got-done-with-finals exception.

Fact Checking Is Over Rated.

2010-04-22T16:12:00.002-04:00

Yesterday a woman complained that newspapers will be eliminated because bloggers are replacing journalists. She argued that this is bad because bloggers (1) don't have the analytical skills necessary to 'put all the pieces together' and (2) they don't fact check. She has a point. I have never fact checked the source of my angst. I merely say "self, how does law school make you feel?" and my self always says "full of angst". Okay, I get that she isn't directing her complaint against me, but I'm in finals and I take everything very personal. If newspapers want to survive, then maybe they shouldn't use ink that gets my face and fingers messy.

Graduate - to what?

2010-04-20T13:05:00.001-04:00

Almost everyone at law school wants to be something other than what they already are. Students want to be graduates, adjunct professors want to be tenured, tenured professors want to be scholars, and scholars just want to be left alone. Although it is natural to want to move up the professional ladder, constant climbing means that our legs get tired and some of us get vertigo. I am afraid to graduate and unlike undergrad I am not allowed to stay until I am good and ready to move on. Sure, law school has it's own unique and constant miseries, but I am not so sure that the working world is so much better (although getting a consistent pay-check does have its appeal). Instead of boring professors blathering on about liberty, rights and justice, there will be bosses sermonizing about profits and feasibility. And instead of pontificating self-important law students, there will be pontificating self-important associates. And finally, instead of randomly (and often disappointing) grades, there will be random reviews (and possible drug tests). So just like I asked the career services woman, what exactly am I graduating to ...?

Law School Nemesis

2010-04-13T16:13:00.002-04:00

My biggest enemy at law school has been the attendance policy. If the professor builds a real lecture, the students will come, without further incentive. Even angst-ridden, lazy, over-extended and generally uninterested law students would voluntarily surrender a few T.V. hours to go to class - if it were worth it. Basically, I go to class for the same reason that others go to church, except in my case, I know that I'm going into a certain type of hell.

Why must humans fight...

2010-03-25T14:31:00.001-04:00

... when other animals can make friends cross species? Really, that question was an excuse to blog that my my shih tzu's new best friend is a cockatiel. Still its an honest question. If my dog can overcome her natural predatory instinct and sit with a squawking bird for hours, why can't we as humans make nice with each other?

Pet Peeve

2010-03-23T16:13:00.002-04:00

Maybe its the economy, maybe its the weather .... but lately every time I look up from the newspaper during class, the professor is making some tongue in cheek reference to the financial costs (and benefits) of law practice. Whether its evaluating the settlement value of a claim, or the most profitable way to resolve a conflict of interest, the cheapest way to get a laugh out of the class or a wink from the professor is to relate all answers back to greed, that apparently is lawyer specific. The only thing more tiresome and boring than naive idealism is cynical commentary about obvious avarice. Not cute.

And I thought my school didn't care....

2010-03-09T15:28:00.001-05:00

When I came to class, there was a stack of fliers for Counseling and Psychological Services on my desk.

I think it's a sign.

Work-Life Balance is so 1990's...

2010-03-06T17:49:00.001-05:00

but wasn't it a great idea? Instead of chasing the relentless moving target of productivity, I heard that people worked about 40 hours, spent time with their friends and family, had hobbies, ate at sit-down restaurants, had romantic affairs, went on vacation and would read novels - real novels. You knew that 'you made it' when you finally got a job that offered flex-time with on-site daycare (or even better, you can bring your pet to work). It was definitely something to write home about. But now we brag about our tiredness as if it were an acquired skill, busy-ness is the new status symbol of importance, and leisure is just code for lazy. Of course, when I refer to 'we', I really mean me....

But just like VH1 brings back the nostalgia, I'm bringing back the balance ! There will be euro-style dinning, books will be read, music will be listened to and there will be much letter writing (that is, if I still have any friends left over from my so called days of 'busy-ness'). And just to be extra principled, I am not going to try to justify my days of idle with a long-term cost-benefit analysis of the diminshed marginal returns on the extra units of 'busy-ness'. No, no dear readers, I am going to just literally sit this one out.

Make your donation today or ....

2010-03-01T19:15:00.000-05:00

you will have to wait for 2010 for that deduction. Today is the last day to make a relief donation and still get a tax deduction in 2009. Of course, this assumes that you pay taxes - which I always do on every last dollar that I earn (and even on the dollars that I don't earn). Remember text 90999.

If I had a million dollars....

2010-02-25T21:18:00.001-05:00

I'd probably be a drug addict who has a really spoiled dog.

I would write more, but I'm gonna go buy a lotto ticket.

The Upside to a Recession

2010-02-18T15:47:00.001-05:00

In a recession there are losers and there are winners. Even though being unemployed with the burden of debt is definitely a downer, I think that I can find the silver lining even in a tornado. Below are my top 5 reasons for why a recession in law school should be celebrated.

1. Less pressure on grades: While some might argue that a recession puts more emphasis on grades, it is equally true that 'word of mouth' hiring substantially replaces advertising/OCI methods of hiring. Basically, if the job market sucks enough, no one will be interviewing and therefore no one will be looking at your transcript.

2. Misery loves company: It's boring to be unemployed, but when all your law school friends are also unemployed, day-time soaps become an important social event.

3. You don't have to be a lawyer: It is a fact that many law students don't really want to be lawyers, which great because there aren't enough jobs for those who do.

4. Lower expectations: Some people treat their loans like advanced pay from a secured job, when in reality spending loan money is more like gambling it on the Big Wheel and hoping to win. In a recession, students realize that nothing is garunteed and therefore should budget accordingly.

5. Lower Opportunity Cost: Law school requires sacrifice. Student lose sleep, time, experiences and money, as well as their interests, humanity, relationships, sanity and health - however the upside is, a recession means that they lose a little less money.

Baked Sale

2010-02-10T15:43:00.001-05:00

According to the second part of the bible, Jesus visited a temple and was dismayed to discover commerce instead of worship. Jesus basically threw the merchants out and lectured the shoppers against materialism. Although I think Jesus could have been more civil about the whole thing, I understand his irritation. At my school, instead of using the tables to study, the students use them for selling shit like cookies, and tamales, and home-made brownies and cupcakes etc etc ... Of course the profits always go to a good cause - this charity or that charity, this fundraiser or that fundraiser. And of course the baked goods are always delectable and the conversation is always delightful, but students of my school, stop! No amount of sugary confections, or gooey goodies or savory snacks will make me forget that I don't like being here and the world is still horrible. In short unless that bake sale is going to get me baked, I want nothing to do with it.

Peace be with you.

The Loan Officer Cometh: Act I

2010-02-09T16:59:00.001-05:00

Scene: During the winter semester of 2010, in the hallways of your local law school across America. The bricked windowless hallway is haunted with the portraits of the school's prior graduates, whose glassed-over faces reflect the anxiety of those who gaze at them. The hallway sends echos into the adjacent classrooms and as consequence tired hands slam the doors shut in an effort to block the outside conversation. Near the entrance doors there are two metal folding tables. Each table houses stacks of faded yellow fliers with the words "Law School Gala" printed in scrolled font at the top and the cost of admission. Seated behind the table are 2 second year students, Cassandra and Emma, each quietly typing on their laptops when suddenly Emma interrupts the Cassandra.

Emma: I am really disappointed in the new class of one L's .... I mean I don't think they even care about the law school prom....
Cassandra: I think people are running out of money and probably can't afford to spend a few hundred dollars to hang out with people they see everyday anyways.
Emma: Well, isn't that what student loans are for? ha ha, I used my student loan money for a Wii, an i-pad and an i-phone .... I mean it's about maintaining a lifestyle.
Cassandra: Don't you have to pay back that loan money?
Emma: Yeah, but after we graduate we will be lawyers and we all will drive Audi's, wear Armani and drink vodka martinis every night.
Cassandra: Aren't you worried about the legal job market? There are lay-offs, deferred classes and even experienced attorneys are having a hard time right now.
Emma: Sure, some people might have a problem, but if you try hard enough you can get the life you want - I know because Oprah told me.
Cassandra: I'm not one to oppose Oprah, but all I know is that it is a really competitive market right now and I am starting to doubt the economic benefits of law school. I mean I was a paralegal, basically a secretary and I made about 50k a year - now I can't find a job as a law graduate that will pay me 50k....
Emma: But attorneys are upwardly mobile, after 3-4 years of practice, your ability to lateral will be significantly linked to higher income bracket.... and you will have the prestige of being a lawyer.
Cassandra: I hope you right, but let's just say that I'm glad there is no more debtor's prison.

He Learned the Law in Jail

2010-02-08T12:24:00.001-05:00

I don't get it, according to this article, a self trained lawyer (while in jail) successfully petitioned SCOTUS to grant certiorari while writing on behalf of an associate inmate, has made arguments compelling enough to force Elena Kagan to request a continuance and yet he still wants to go to law school (The University of Michigan). Won't he be bored? Let's put it this way, I am sub-average and I find law school to be obvious, tedious and generally a waste of time, just imagine how this guy is going to feel about it. I just wonder which is more boring: 10 Years in Federal Prison or 3 Years in Law School?

1L Myths

2010-01-30T17:54:00.000-05:00

Now that I know that I am not going to be sent back to 1L year, I can confidently point out the myths of 1L year.

Myth 1. Don't work, you will be too busy studying: Ha! Working a part-time job is important. It will provide you some much needed income and a distraction from the relentless feeling of inadequacy. Further, working puts lawyering in perspective. While none of us are stupid, it is a fact that there are many practicing and thriving idiots out there.

Myth 2. 1L grades are the most important: Really? Maybe that was true during the golden years of law, but we are in legal recession. Your grades are important every year.

Myth 3. 1L year is the year they scare you to death: Sure you might feel scared now, but you will be terrified when you approach loan repayment.

Myth 4. Enrich your law school experience! Join a student group!: The only reason to join a student group is because you like the other people and maybe if they have a good outline bank. There is nothing enriching about sitting at a table selling baked goods.

Myth 5. Save yourself, drop out now while you can: Sure there are a lot of lawyers in this country, but much like a party bus to Cancun, there is always room for one more.

Your Winter 2010 Horoscope

2010-01-21T17:43:00.001-05:00

Even if you are you're whistling the "C me, free me" tune or the humming along to the "D's get degrees" song, its a new semester, a new year and a new decade. It's time to discard those old outlines and make room for a new set of cases, problems and challenges. While having less to do with planet alignment than the misalignment in your spine, this semester will be full of distractions and possible pitfalls. More intense than last semester, your focus will be on finishing and rediscovering your soul (it's still there, but buried deep deep down). But remember, summer break is like being out on bond with a surrendered passport, you're not really free but at least you get to walk around without the laptop tether.

'Law' in Air Quotes

2010-01-12T16:12:00.001-05:00

While generally a hater of all things law school related, I have a candidate for my favorite professor of all time. I nearly swooned when he predicted that this will be the easiest law final of my law education, he could have won me over when he promised the class a meal, but really I knew it was love when he put air quotes around 'THE LAW' and said that it's not that important. Oh Professor Air Quotes, may you get tenure and enjoy a cornucopia of heavenly pleasures.

Results are in ....

2009-12-27T03:56:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone who voted! For all you "no puppy for you" voters, as a reformed litterer, I feel your laziness, just remember that littering in an urban center is worse than littering in the suburbs. Also, I have my puppy. Her name is Julia, but I am not 'mommy' - I still refer to myself as 'the exit'.

Revolution starts at school

2009-12-19T14:49:00.001-05:00

Imagine every know-it-all--brings-up-questions/issues-5-minutes-before-class-is-done-loud-mouth you have met in law school and now imagine them all in the same room with a captive audience. Ladies and Gentlemen, these are our Senators. Which brings me to my point, normal law students of the world we must shut these people down before they get any real power. We must tell them to shut the fuck up and take away their adderal induced notions of superiority. Otherwise, these SBG type jerks will turn into selfish attention seeking whores who would sacrifice the well-being of millions just to get an invitation on Meet the Press, that is, they will become the next Joey Lieberman.

An Awesome Post

2009-12-14T15:07:00.002-05:00

This is well worth a few minutes of your time.

Santa Hats and Finals.

2009-12-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

This is my last night working at the club (during finals - not forever - one day though ...) and I have been instructed to dress as Santa. This is my life: I study, I think about studying, and I work a job that makes me wear dollar store Santa hats. I hope someone brings this Santa some soy milk and cookies.

Encouragement to 1L's and to those who feel like 1L's

2009-12-11T15:00:00.000-05:00

Maybe you have managed to keep it together for the most of the semester, or maybe you were like me, who cried everyday between the hours of 4pm and 5pm (I only cried during first semester and never since), but either way you are probably freaking out now. Go ahead and get a little angry, be a little mean, cry if you must - it is all part of the law school experience. Just remember these few, but well know facts about our chosen profession:

1. Being a lousy student does not mean you will be a lousy attorney.

2. If you feel like you don't know anything - good, this means that your essay will be that much more creative.

3. A bad grade isn't the worst thing in life. You are still the same awesome person you were before.

4. Other students are liars. They didn't study the way they said, they don't feel good about the exam, and they probably don't even want to be attorneys.

5. If you get a bad grade, the professor probably sucked or your nerves interfered with your performance.

6. In this economy, is there really a difference between an A student and a D student? Either way getting a job is tough.

7. And finally, remember this always - D's might not get distinction, but they do get degrees. At the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Good luck, I think you are awesome and I look forward to being in practice with almost all of you.

Post Exam Advice

2009-12-10T18:02:00.000-05:00

I believe that I had a psychological break from reality during my first set of law exams. I sobbed on the phone to who ever would listen, I drank, I smoked, and I yelled at random people. So, if you are feeling like a nervous wreck - don't worry you will recover and you will pass all of your exams (maybe not A's, but you will pass).

So if you feel a little psychotic, make sure that it is done privately or only with people who are stable and trustworthy. Remember, your fellow law students have their own shit and you really don't know them well enough at this point to trust them. So, right after you finish your exam the best thing you can do for yourself is get the hell off of campus. If you smoke, do it while walking to your car. Don't make eye contact with anyone, wear ear-phones to discourage conversation, keep your phone off and go directly to bed. Post-mortems are only for murder victims and chess games, not law exams.

Lawyer vs. Bartender

2009-12-09T18:26:00.001-05:00

Lawyer's are known for two things (1) their obnoxious behavior and (2) their affinity for substance abuse. Although I disapprove of both, the latter without the former can at least be entertaining and productive. While substance abuse provokes serious and grave conversation among loved ones, in the company of fellow abusers, the drug of choice can be discussed at great lengths. Under the influence, experienced users can enthusiastically identify, evaluate and even do a quick market-price analysis of the product - basically an experienced user has expert knowledge of his or her niche drug. Thus, under this theory, most lawyers should have enough knowledge of alcohol to bartend within 6 months of practice.

Why bartending is better than lawyering:
1.) Friendlier/More intoxicated co-workers: The staff at the bar isn't inherently more interesting than anyone else, but they are probably drunker. Of course not everyone is a jovial drunk, but in the hospitality business, the angry/crying/violent/sleepy/ drunkards get filtered out.
2.) Bright-Line Bar Rules: In a bar, no one cares about fairness and there is no appeals process. Okay, it sucks if you are on the other side of the bar, but it is easy and res judicata is immediate.
3.) You get paid in cash: No waiting around for a check and it is almost tax free (of course, I always pay the full tax on my very meager tips).
4.) You get to remove people you don't like: In law school it is hard to get ass-holes kicked out, but not in a bar.
5.) You can invite your friends to work, and not only to lunch: It would be weird to have my friends just hang out at my desk for a few hours just to keep me company.

How bartending is the same as lawyering:
1.) Popped-collar-assholes are everywhere: At the bar, the ass-hole portion is emphasized, in lawyering its the popped-collar part - - but it doesn't matter, an ass is an ass.
2.) You have to be nice to your boss/manager: Honestly, both my bar boss and my lawyer boss are nice so its easy for me to get along with them. However, in reality it doesn't matter if they are nice to me, there is still an implied employee-employer relationship that makes my job dependent on their satisfaction with my work and personality.
3.) The schedule is beyond your control: Lawyering sometimes means completing an emergency filing or finding an answer to an urgent question. In a bar, bartenders call in. It happens.
4.) Same 'rain-making/bring a crowd in' pressure: Neither job description will demand that an employee generate business flow, but in both there is pressure to do so.
5.) Difficult on relationships/social life: Lawyering stress makes people crazy and it doesn't stop in the parking lot. In bartending the hours are not conducive to forming strong human bonds. Either way, I suggest getting a dog.

Why bartending is worse than lawyering:
1.) Unstable Pay: A salaried lawyer can make year long budgets, bartenders make weekly/daily budgets.
2.) No retirement plan: Sure, some really corporate bars might have a 401(k), but bartending is hard after a certain age. Lawyers should increase in value as they age, for bartenders it is sort of the opposite.
3.) Never having a weekend or holiday off: Some lawyers work on the weekend too, but most don't have to every single Saturday night, and they certainly are not leaving their office at 3 am.
4.) Unorganized management: This is what happens when drunk people run a business. They still make money, because alcohol knows no recession, but the schedule will be fucked-up. Bars will be both over staffed by bartenders, but understaffed by bar-backs and security, and there is a good chance that your car will be parked in at the end of the night by a idiot customer who either a) got a ride or b) got a last minute sex text.
5.) The only place to eat after work is either Taco Bell or the Coney Island: In my opinion neither is a viable option. The drive thru line at Taco Bell at 3am is like the line at Walmart on black Friday, and no one wants to see their cheap-ass-tip customers at the Coney.

Since I don't like Taco-Bell and I do like consistency, Lawyering wins again.

Exams suck, but the Study Period doesn't

2009-12-07T13:52:00.001-05:00

For most of us, exams suck. This is the time when law students around the globe begin to question their career choices, their study habits and sometimes even their self-worth. Exam period exposes intellectual weaknesses and semester long laziness. Sure, we all could have studied more, actually read the cases, been more attentive during lecture - but life happens and basic human needs, like social contact, creativity and bodily basics, must be fulfilled. That said, exam period has disputable benefits, because really the act of studying is not the cause of stress; it is the grade attached to an exam that might or might not be related to the topics of study that fills my soul with acid. Here are my reasons why I like study period (but not the exam):

1. My apartment will never be cleaner than when I have a test that I'm not prepared for.

2. I like being home during the day.

3. Exams period is a time to exercise your creativity. Pretty much everything done during the day can be rationalized away as productively related to studying. For example, buying expensive groceries rationalization = saves time and increases brain function. Hell, I'm rationalizing this blog post right now (I am practicing my writing skills?).

4. It is the ultimate excuse for avoiding work, social obligations, family and being a civilized human being.

5. I like learning about the law - I just don't like being tested on it. Still, I have to admit, that if I didn't have a test, I probably would never sit down with the tax code for 36 hours straight.

Same shitty finals season, same shitty neighbor

2009-12-05T19:20:00.000-05:00

I have always hated my upstairs neighbor girl. I don't know if it's because she seems blissfully unaware of the Supreme Court's attacks upon our civil rights, the decline of America's economic empire, and the never-ending war in the Middle-East, or if its because she walks and looks like a moose, has poor posture (I do too, but I'm in law school) and listens to sappy young country music. I wish she would marry some rich guy from the northern suburbs and get the hell away from me.

Yeah - it feels like finals.

I Voted!

2009-11-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

My friend recently got the cutest puppy I've ever seen, so of course, I now want a puppy. But like I do with all important decisions I leave it to the electorate (and much like the Supreme Court I promptly disregard their opinion and do exactly as I want, but never capriciously or arbitrarily). So dearest readers please cast your puppy vote of 2009 .

I wish I was a DJ

2009-11-26T03:05:00.001-05:00

because (1) DJ's always travel in pairs, (2) DJ's always compliment each other and (3) they get to wear super awesome headphones.

Ruin a friend's life, win an ipod.

2009-11-19T19:24:00.004-05:00

Despite having a record number of LSAT takers for 2009, being in a state with a shrinking population and therefore a shrinking legal market, and significant tuition increases, my school wants me to sell out my friends' futures for an ipod. Now, if they offered straight up cash, that would be a different story . . . Below is a copy of my school's desperate gimmick.

We have high expectations here at xxxxxx Law and are proud to welcome each entering class. This year, in an effort to continue our tradition of accepting thehighest quality of applicants possible, we are introducing a new incentive for our current students to refer potential applicants.

The "Refer and Win" program is simple. Refer a friend to xxxx Law. Should they apply, the application fee will be waived. If they enroll at xxxx Law, you will be entered to win an iPod touch. (There is no limit to the number of students you refer.)

Your experience at xxxxx Law doesn't end when you graduate with your law degree. You will forever be connected to this institution and to each other as xxxx Law alumni. Refer a friend today.

Among the many, this is officially the dumbest reason to enroll in law school. And by the way, that last paragraph is both threatening and ominous.

Evaluation

2009-11-19T12:51:00.004-05:00

While I think that expressing one's self is important and feedback is the scalpel of improvement, I don't evaluate professors for the following reasons:

1. Because finals are upon us, I am filled with hate for all of my professors and I choose to hate them equally. I really don't feel the need to individually notify my instructors as to specifically why I hate them in particular.

2. A blank form is the best expression of my truest feelings about their class.

3. Turning in an evaluation for a Professor is like getting a restraining order against a stalker. Sometimes it works and they will adjust their maladaptive behaviour, other times they just see it as proof that you noticed them and thus you really do love them.

4. Time is valuable and I'd rather catch up on celebrity gossip.

In Google we Trust....

2009-11-18T17:23:00.004-05:00

With Google's new legal scholar feature you can be your own lawyer, without going to law school or selling your soul to Lexis or Westlaw! Now, if Google Scholar only had a rewards program . . .

Counting My Law School Blessings

2009-11-15T11:35:00.002-05:00

There is a lot of complaining on this blog (and pretty much everywhere else on the internet), so today, with durable gratitude, I enumerate life's little things that make law school tolerable.

1. Hulu: Odes poems and sonnets/ could never put a bonnet/ on your episodes shown sequentials / with sponsored but limited commercials / without which I would surely vomit.

2. Pre-Made Outlines: You are smarter and pithier than my professor, and you never humiliate me, therefore my adoration never ends.

3. The Smokers at my School: As a former smoker and current patch addict, I *heart* you. Whether I'm lingering for a chat or a much needed whiff of second hand smoke (what can I say? my body craves nicotine) together we stand in unanimous hostility against the buildings of oppression. (But still, don't be a casualty to cancer - quit smoking).

4. The Food Cart Staff: You are the unsung heros of my days in drudgery. When I am feeling undecided about my lunch and career, you let me stand (with the door open, no less) in front of the refrigerator for as long as I want. Let's just say that the career office never lets me do that.

5. My lovely, lithe, laptop: I love you more than Hitler loved killing.

Hug your local Hipster

2009-11-07T19:39:00.005-05:00

No one ever admits to being a hipster, but that's okay because they are easily identified by their American Spirit cigarettes and their PBR filled beer guts spilling over their slim-to-skinny jeans. Even though I'd secretly like to be a hipster, I know that I'm too poor, I shop at Ikea way too much, and I am too afraid of bicycles to be a real hipster. However, I recognize that hipsters are an important part of our society. After all, as an over-educated asian woman raised in suburban privilege who else can I make fun of and still be politically correct?

I Am Against Torture.

2009-11-03T20:38:00.005-05:00

Figuring out my schedule is like picking out complicated ways of being tortured. Would I rather be gagged, hooded, with needles inserted under my fingernails but only on Mondays and Wednesdays, or is it better to get water-boarded every Tuesday and Thursday? Personally I think torture and law school are crimes against humanity.

Lawyer vs. Drug Dealer

2009-10-31T10:23:00.003-04:00

Its that time of year when all law students everywhere start to consider alternative career options. Given law students' astonishing powers of reasoning, substitute careers are not simply plucked at random (we already made that mistake with law school), but rather law students need to consider a substitute career based on something we know about.

How Drug Dealing is better than Lawyering:
(1) More flexible hours: Although I am not sure if drug dealers work any less hours than lawyers, I imagine that they get to set their own schedule.
(2) More exciting work: The law can be boring, lawyers can be boring and so are the clients. Drug dealers take road trips to exotic places to pick up their product and the world is their office.
(3) Less arguing over stupid stuff: Who the hell talks policy with their dealer?
(4) Less costly barrier to entry: Let's just admit it, the only barrier to entry in the legal profession is the cost of law school. Drug dealers, really only need a few hundred dollars of up front capital and a reliable form of transportation.

How Drug Dealing is the same as Lawyering:
(1) Collecting on delinquent accounts: Of course, both dealers and lawyers should always get a retainer (especially for new clients) but failing that, tracking down people for payment is always a pain in the ass.
(2) Confidentiality, its hard to keep secrets: In both professions, blabber-mouths get penalized; lawyers get disbarred, drug dealers get killed, jailed or at least experience a decrease in revenue.
(3) Disparate Earning Capabilities: Some law students graduate to a 160k/year salary with a dinner stipend and cab service, others have to bartend on the weekends to make rent. Some dealer's get to schmooze it up with clients like the 160k/year lawyers, others are on the corner with the local sex workers.

How Drug Dealing is worse than Lawyering:
(1) High mortality rate/ Incarceration: Even though lawyers are known for killing themselves and for general dis-health - they are also capable of working well into senility. Dealers, are in constant danger of either being killed by their clients, law enforcement or other dealers. At the very least, drug dealing often results in incarceration.
(2) Health Insurance: Lawyers usually get health insurance as one of their perks, dealers don't. See, just another reason for universal health-care.
(3) Income Tax Ambiguity: I've read cases, where tax payers report the income from their illegal activities, apparently they fear the IRS more than the police. For drug dealers it's a hard tax problem.
(4) Lack of Social Approval: Even though most people say they don't like lawyers, there is a certain amount of misplaced respect for attorneys. Socially drug dealers are silently being judged.

On balance, I guess I'd rather be bored than in jail or dead. Lawyering wins.

Misery Loves Company in a Snuggie.

2009-10-27T21:51:00.003-04:00

While taking out the garbage and feeling extremely disgruntled, I saw a discarded box for a Snuggie. Now I know that someone else is having a worse day than me, and being the miserable bitch that I am, that makes me feel slightly better.

Just in! The Weezer Snuggie - now that makes me feel much much better.

Passing vs. Faking

2009-10-20T09:27:00.003-04:00

Reading prior to class is important, but sometimes watching a Law and Order marathon is more important and thus from this prioritization an akward classroom situation can arise. So, is it better to take a pass or should you fake it till you make it? Personally, if I don't think I can make it, I don't even try to fake it. Still, I admire those who can fake it - without assistance. That is, students who can get through it without asking their friends on G-Chat, or skimming their Lexis Summary (which, by the way, are fantastic).

You Can't Costume Stupid.

2009-10-19T12:24:00.008-04:00

Stupid Girl Next to Me: "I was going to go as a sexy Marie Antoinette, but the costume is out of stock - don't they know that they are ruining my life."

Now if she had said that she was going as a decapitated Marie Antoinette, that would have been cool. The way I'm imagining it, the neck of the costume would be at the crown of the head, the famous breasts would be at about the eyes, and she could carry a bloodied head in her hand!

More Math Please

2009-10-15T19:51:00.004-04:00

According to this article the youths of America are sucking at math. You know who else proudly sucks at math? Most law students. I am fairly certain that if more college graduates were better at math and science, they would run away to medical/business/dental/barber school instead of marching into the cesspool of misery called law school.

Its too late for my generation, but for the love of Buddha, more numbers and less words.

Silly Drink Names

2009-10-13T12:05:00.006-04:00

Nightclub drinks have the dumbest names. They almost always reference a sexual act and rarely does anyone really know what goes into them (including your bartender). Although I am grateful for orders other than the standard vodka-cranberry etc etc... I can't say most club drinks with a straight face, thus I have my own names for various drinks.

Sex on the Beach: Sand in your Pants

Red-Headed Slut: A Promiscuous Ginger

Orgasm: An Intimate Moment

Silk Panties: Fancy Undergarments

Sex with the Bartender: Never Gonna Happen

Blue Mother Fucker: Any Blue Drink

Just as a tip, ordering a martini at a nightclub is like ordering the T-Bone Steak at Denny's, just because its on the menu doesn't mean its any good.

Happy Birthday

2009-10-07T22:26:00.003-04:00

to my favorite reader!

Bueller? Bueller?

2009-10-07T15:15:00.004-04:00

When I take a day off of school, I almost never have a legitimate reason and neither should you. Some professors at my school enforce a strict attendance policy, while others will never notice and will never care (and I love these professors with all of my cold jaded law school heart). I've noticed that the more worthwhile the lectures, the less class regulation. However, the opposite is also true, the more a class is a waste of time, the more the professor will demand you to be there. Its like these professors acknowledge that their lectures are only good for advancing my knowledge of useless Google related information, and they acquiecse. Given my aversion to classroom time, of course I always make sure to use all my no-penalty absences. However, using all of your absences its sort of like taking a tax credit, you take it because you want it, but ultimately you know that you are paying for it. I have a scientifically proven formula (based on a 15 week semester) to maximize your return (more time away from school) while dminishing your costs (lost points on the exam).

1. Use at least 2/3rd's of your absences after the first week but before the 10'th week. If your professor stresses a particular view point and it is likely to appear on the exam, unless they are the Hitler of your school, they will repeat the point a various times throughout the semester. Further, I am firmly convinced that material covered later in the semester is more important than the stuff earlier. If you miss early, you can hear about it later and by using the majority of your absences early on, you won't be tempted to skip out on the last 2 weeks of classes.

2. Try not to miss 2 or more classes in a row. Law school can move fast, one day you're on intentional torts, the next week you're on product liability. If you miss multiple classes on the same topic, then you will have a big hole in your outline at the end of the semester. Remember, law school exams are about breadth, not depth. So, while you should know a little about almost all the topics covered, you also can not know a little bit about each topic.

3. Don't use your absences if you are only minorly sick. Absences are gifts, and should never be wasted feeling ill. [Note: However - if vomiting or its like is involved, then do everyone a favor and just go to the hospital or something].

4. Don't make up reasons on why you missed class. Don't say something stupid, like I had food-poisoning. First of all, that is the most over-used excuse known to the work/school place and thus no-one believes it. Just be truthfull and say that you hate law school and didn't want to come. And don't worry, your professor won't ask, and if they do, they deserve to hear the truth.

5. Finally, the most important rule in the skipping school formula, take a day off when you need it. If only truancy keeps you focused and on task, then cut your losses and find your inner Bueller (and hopefully you already have your own Cameron)

Mock/Moot Court = Fake Court

2009-10-03T10:11:00.005-04:00

The lawsuits are made up, the 'attorneys' are students, and the student judges don't even wear robes; there is nothing real about the trial, except for the student judges' hostility. Almost nobody will bitch slap you harder than these make-believe judges. It doesn't matter that they have exactly 2 semesters more experience of pretending to be a lawyer than you, they are 3L's, and by the power of the student government, you will show them deference!

Law student in name only.

2009-09-29T18:51:00.004-04:00

Law school has made me cranky, but it has not made me any smarter. However, when people find out that I'm in law school, suddenly everything I say must spring from the well of some mysterious legal principle. No, I don't base my opinions on any legal reasoning, I just open my brain and say what I think makes sense. Therefore:

1. When I speak in complete sentences, I am not showing off my $100k education, I am just trying to follow the number one rule of communication - which is to sort of make sense.

2. When I point out that since you only gross $1k, and therefore it will be very difficult to make a house payment of $1,200, I am not being condescending, I am just pointing out a very basic principle of finance.

3. When I refuse to acknowledge your new-boyfriend as your new-husband and you have no plans to execute a marriage license, I am not being a bitter old-maid, I am merely reflecting to you that (1) we live in no common-law state, and (2) you aren't married.

4. When I tell you that it doesn't matter that you are libertarian, that you must file your taxes, I am not unsympathetic to your pain, but I just don't want you to go to jail.

Thank you Bitter Lawyer

2009-09-25T09:52:00.002-04:00

for featuring us on this post!

People who don't tip

2009-09-24T13:30:00.005-04:00

At the risk of over generalizing and just being an outright ass about it, I have duly noted that there are certain, undeniable, uncontroverted correlations between certain segments of the population and bad tipping.

1. The 'hot' girl: The prettier the girl, the worse the tip. I don't know if she is just so accustomed to having other people pay for her that she is unaware of this custom, or if she thinks that her looking good is the tip.

2. People with Accents: A prominent accent, while always sexy, also means no tip. Its not that they are bad people or even cheap, but it is just that tipping is really an American thing. As Americans we tip everyone, drivers, servers, stylists, doormen (and they are always men), bathroom attendants, mail carriers, babysitters, lawn guys, valet guys, etc etc.... I guess its because of the mafia culture we live in.

3. Graduate students: These non-tippers are the worst offenders. Not only will they fail to leave an adequate tip, but they will order shit not on the menu, they will ask you to make them a 'special drink' for their special genius brain and then demand that the bill be split in mathematically complicated ways. These are the guys and girls who will ask for lemons in their water, always require a straw (so that their dainty lips won't touch anything other than their professor's ass) and make you take their picture with their 13 different cameras.

Customers! For the love of god and all that is good, please tip your server! Just in case there is anyone in doubt of what is appropriate: 20% for a food bill, $1.00 per drink (not per trip to the bar). If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to leave your mom's basement.

Amended: Regarding (1), really it is the hotter the girl thinks she is - regardless of whether she actually is hot, the worse the tip.

I gave my brain to science...

2009-09-23T19:45:00.003-04:00

No really, I did. I filled out the donor registration form and informed my seat mate that should law school kill me to use my unused loan money/drug money to pay the brain removal fee and ship it off as a fresh specimen to the brain bank. If this interests you, just remember that the brain must be extracted within 24 hours of death. My brain might be useless to me now, but at least one day it will be put to good use.

I really like list style blog entries...

2009-09-17T12:30:00.006-04:00

because they are easy. I don't have to put a noun and a verb together in any particular order and punctuation is unimportant. Further readers can direct their comments to particular list items. In fact if I were a Supreme Court Justice I would write all my opinions in list format (and I would be the most popular judge in history). Here is a sample opinion:

1. Lower Court is REVERSED because I disagree with them.

2. Therefore the PLAINTIFF IS LIABLE.

3. And just so I don't look lazy (a.k.a judicially efficient), Plaintiff is Liable BECAUSE I SAID SO.

Tarot Tuesday

2009-09-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

Three of Pentacles: This card shows three rather muscular men working at putting together a scaffold of some sort. The Pentacles are emblazoned with a pyramid with the top encircled by a halo. This suggests that this week law students will be working very hard - while most of us don't need mystical powers to figure this out, this card suggests that study groups are in order. Team effort is required and we should be working together in order to reach the top - I really hope that Tarot knew that I was drawing this card for law students and not for B-schoolers. . .

Alternative Reading: The card shows three men struggling at the bottom of pyramid - you should draw your own inferences as to the meaning of this.

The Constitution - blog style

2009-09-15T21:16:00.002-04:00

Personally I don't understand why there is a special class for Constitutional Law - isn't all law supposed to be constitutional? Well, even though that is a debatable point, I swear on my tarot cards that I shall never take constitutional law and now thanks to this terrific blog posting I will never have to.

Things I've learned working at a bar

2009-09-14T12:57:00.003-04:00

1. I now know who is posting on Texts From Last Night.

2. I also know where my future clients are hanging out.

3. I have a whole new reason to be a misanthrope.

4. I know how stores like Forever 21, Bebe, Express and Victoria Secrets stay in business.

5. I know why people keep procreating.

Drink on people, drink on . . .

Law School Fallacy

2009-09-10T10:48:00.003-04:00

Not every problem has more than one correct response and not all questions are meant to be answered essay/IRAC style. Sometimes there is only one right answer (by which I mean the professor's answer) and it is merely spineless to hedge every response with "well, it could go either way, especially if I read 10 thousand facts into this four sentence hypo". I understand that no one likes to look stupid (and btw, being wrong isn't stupid) - but we are going to be lawyers, this is what we are paid for - better get used to humiliation.

Tarot Tuesday

2009-09-01T10:03:00.002-04:00

King of Pentacles: This card is associated with financial action - either spending or saving. For law students our currency runs on time. For every minute of studying, you are not doing something else. Just like most occultish stuff, this card encourages balance. On one hand a miser on the other a bankruptcy client. In other words, study too much and you might become a miserable piece of shit, study not enough and you might end up an accountant.

Practical Study Advice

2009-08-30T20:34:00.004-04:00

Law students should spend a lot of time studying (Malapropist disagrees with me - but that's a different post) and much like sticking to a diet, this requires proper motivation. After the initial ambition evaporates, the what's-the-worst-that-could-happen thinking takes hold. These tips are the equivalent to taping the National Enquirer photograph of a 1,200 pound man to your refrigerator.

1. Wear lipstick while you study: This will remind you of Sarah Palin and thus should motivate you to study more in order to avoid being a fucking idiot.

2. Display a running tally of your total school debt: Self explanatory

3. Avoid reading Above the Law, the New York Times or your school's Job Board: If there's no carrot, who cares about the stick?

4. Alienate your happy, financially secure friends who didn't go to law school: Just remember making money and having a social life is for losers.

Some 1L's are more ambitious than others

2009-08-29T13:03:00.002-04:00

Like this Guy. I can barely manage to shower on a daily basis, and this dude is suing Twix. I am so gonna bet that he sits in the front row, and makes references to out-of-class material.

Law School is White Castle

2009-08-22T11:53:00.002-04:00

The decision to go to law school is very much like Harold and Kumar's decision to go to White Castle. One day I was sitting around watching TV and eating Doritos when a commercial for my law school appeared. It said something like "what are you doing with your life? you don't know? come to law school" and with salivating ambition I asked my neighbor if he'd go to law school with me, but he was too busy eating Twizlers and watching Star Wars. Thus, I began my journey for a JD.

I soon realized destination JD was harder to reach than I anticipated, but I was higher on education than a baby boomer at hash bash. My first hurdle was to locate one of those ubiquitous law schools. I went to the nearest law school but much to my disappointment it had been replaced by a B-school. Clearly B-schools are inferior but damn they were growing in popularity. Not ready to give up I focused all my attentions on law school. There was only one problem: half way through the first semester my law school buzz was wearing off. The socratic method and exams just aren't as funny when your sober on reality. So just like Harold and Kumar, I had to compromise and smoke down with the undergrads (no one gets more excited about law school than undergrad philosophy majors) to get my education buzz back.

Satiated and re-motivated, destination JD was back on, and I was hungrier than ever for that JD. Soon after, I met Neil Patrick Harris (not sure how that fits in with Destination JD ...) and finally discovered a BarBri table that is open and ready to take my order.

Lesson:

(1) Law school requires a hallucinogenic - keep your education buzz going and you'll be fine.

(2) Just like Harold and Kumar, there is a good chance that by the time you get to the counter you'll be broke and unable to pay for what you have desperately been working for.

(3) Going to law school is just as random (and frustrating) as going to White Castle.

I did this to myself...

2009-08-18T17:13:00.003-04:00

but I'm not taking the blame. Instead I am going to blame my friends for not talking me out of taking a class that starts the fall semester two weeks early - they should have tried harder! However, dear reader(s), I won't fail you in this way. If you ever find yourself considering taking a 2 week intensive accounting course, before you browse yourself over to your schools registration website, write to me and like a priest advises a parishioner before they commit venal sins, I too, will remind you of your duty to God and to summer fun. Peace be with you.

PS. I am fairly certain that I will be complaining about this every day for the next 7 business days.

What's worse than being a lawyer?

2009-08-17T00:48:00.002-04:00

Being an accountant. (Sorry to all you hard working CPA's out there. I never quite understood your sacrifices - until now.)

Today was the day of stupid

2009-08-11T13:42:00.003-04:00

I heard all of these statements made on the record today:

Plaintiff wanting a DNA test: Your honor, I'd just like to point out that there is an epidemic in this country of men paying for kids that aren't theirs.

Defendant wanting more Parenting Time: Whoa... wait up - my felony kidnapping charge was an adult, not a child. I mean, I barely got to see my kids when I was incarcerated for 12 years, so I want to see them now.

Defendant wanting more Parenting Time: Yes, she was holding our son, but I can't remember if my slapping or punching her was the cause of her black eye, but your Honor, I am not a bad criminal, I just want to see my kid.

(btw, his pregnant new girlfriend is in the gallery and he has two warrants out for his arrest)

In a facebook world...

2009-08-04T01:42:00.003-04:00

I just learned that Facebook allows users to selectively remove contacts' news feeds! Just imagine how great it would be if we had this option in the real world. Instead of us hiding out from people we don't like, they would be commanded by some invisible force to avoid us. Never again would social convention sucker us into hearing about some narcissists' great accomplishments, or listening to hipsters explain in tedious detail a recount of their entire geographical travels (honestly, hipsters should just get lo-jacked so that each and everyone of their hipster friends knows exactly where they are at all times).